The Six Year Itch

I had a damn good practice today, as usual, but I think I may have used up all my loving-kindness on the mat. Lots of useless and nagging negativity began to penetrate my thoughts around the time I was setting up for my headstand, which is very near the end of my practice, and pestered me through savasana. The crankiness only increased during my post-practice shower, and by the time I got out of there, I was in quite a dangerous mood.

Maybe I over-did it a little bit. I practiced lots of arm balances today: flying pigeon and eka pada koundinyasana II during my standing sequence, and a lot of work in bakasana on my way to the floor, transitioning from bakasana to a tripod headstand and back a few times, holding each position for five breaths. The burn in my triceps during this bit was something new. My arms haven't been challenged like that in a while. Also lots of jump-throughs, jump-backs, and handstand work had my shoulders and elbows approaching a jelly-like state by the end of my practice. It felt good at the time, but I was one formidable woman when I re-entered the realm of real life, i.e. the six-year anniversary of the relationship between the boyfriend and myself.

The last couple years have been tough for us. He's been having trouble finding/maintaining employment, which has put a great deal of pressure on me. This also means that I don't get much time to myself, since he's home most the time, which is usually nice, but sometimes not. My practice is really the only time that I completely shut myself away. I like to chalk his unemployment up to the economic situation here, but I have trouble with situations that are entirely out of my control. I can be supportive, so I try to be, and I think that's all I can do, but anniversaries have a way of making one reflect, bringing everything to a point, and demanding analysis. I think I may have been trying to drown all this out on the mat with a strong practice.

It didn't work, but luckily the boyfriend made it out of my natural disaster alive, as I was able to recognize the reactionary behavior and compose myself. Let's chalk that one up to my being present and in control... yeah. Anyway, I think we can still have a nice day today. I have a class, and a stupid meeting for stupid work in the afternoon (just kidding! Love my job!), but maybe I'll take the boyfriend out for a nice dinner or something in the evening... rekindle the old flame and all that jazz. It would be good for us, and probably good for my practice ;).


  1. "I have trouble with situations that are entirely out of my control."

    I can so, so identify with this. It's so hard to feel helpless and uncertain.

  2. I think the important thing is to be self-aware. We are all hurricanes sometimes, but if you can recognize the true reasons why, that's huge.

    6 years is huge! Hope you had a good 'date'!

  3. I can empathize with your statement, "My practice is really the only time that I completely shut myself away." I am very protective of my personal practice not only for the obvious reasons but for the precious solitude that it gives me.

    Solitude is very underrated, don't you think?

    Thanks for sharing this personal post,