Yesterday was a long day. I'm still trying to settle into my new school/work/teaching schedule a month after the shift. It's been difficult. Last night I taught my Night Cap Yoga class at Black Swan after an excruciatingly long day at school following a very stinted night of sleep. The class went well. When I got home, I ate a big dinner as I ran the class over and over in my head, trying to learn something from my experience, thinking I needed to come away with something significant for the evening. Then I did some writing to dump it all out before hitting the sack and slept for ten hard hours. I don't crash like that very often. The difficulty of balancing my multifaceted life is becoming more apparent. I am currently a part time student, part time yoga teacher, and part time waitress -- I don't do part time very well. I'm more of an all or nothing kind of girl.
The class last night was small. Seven students came, but I recognized at least a couple of faces from previous weeks, which made my heart swell with joy. Right now, I'm in an emotional place where I want to smother these people with my love and appreciation simply for showing up. It is challenging to carry on with this attitude while maintaining the presence and authority of a teacher. I suspect that I need to get more comfortable with telling people what to do (though I'm guessing the boyfriend may disagree). I often feel as though I'm repeating myself a lot. I try to phrase things differently, but still I feel like a nag sometimes. Square your hips. Tuck your tailbone. Spread your fingers. Activate your feet. Then I tell myself, this is a yoga class. These are yoga students. They came here for you to tell them what to do.
I just now realized my aversion to giving orders may have something to do with the contrasting roles of my two jobs: I wait tables. I've done it for years, and it's all about taking orders. I don't give very many orders in my professional life. I'll have to think about this a bit more, but I may be onto something here. In any case, I've already noted that my classes go much better when I loosen up and go with the flow. Duh, right? But it's not that easy. This teaching yoga stuff is hard. You have to keep going, keep holding the space no matter what happens, no matter what kind of reactions you're getting. There is no time to think about yourself, to retire for a moment and consider. "Stay there in your half-moon, everyone. I just need a few minutes to compose myself." Not happening.
So that's what I'll be meditating on this week: getting in touch with my inner teacher. I know she's in there somewhere. I need to find a way to get comfortable in the role of instructor and be confident in my ability to lead.