6.08.2011

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Sometimes life takes me for a ride so long and winding that I forget how to open the door, get out of the car, and walk on my own two feet.  But I'm learning, slowly remembering the little truths that were always there, buried away in the endless compromise that defines cohabitation.  Much has transpired since my last post.  My partner of 7 years and I have split.  I've moved into a new apartment, which means I'm living alone for the first time since I left my family's home.  It's exciting.  The pain of separation is still there, but rather than the violent surges of ecstasy and agony which swept me to and fro, my heart has settled in a place of peace.  I am energized by the shift, liberated by the lightness of aloneness and gloriously open to the possibilities of change.

Last week, just prior to the quake that created this divide, I'd had a revelation during my practice which I made a note of in my journal:  "detach." 

Of course, the idea of non-attachment is nothing new to yogis.  We aim for non-attachment all the time, but sometimes these ideas are merely smeared over the surface of the mind and not entirely absorbed until the heart is made porous and soft in preparation.  I remember the moment:  It was near the beginning of my practice.  I'd had very little sleep the night before and had just enough time between teaching classes to squeeze in my own practice.  I was creaky and tired with a long practice and a very long day ahead of me.  I wondered how I'd ever make it through.  Then it echoed through the chambers of my mind with a resonance so pure that it could not be ignored:  detach. 

And I did.  I let go of my attachments to performing the asanas well.  I let go of any standards or expectations I held for my practice and simply allowed the breath to carry me through.  And, suddenly, this long and sometimes gruelling practice of pose after pose -- the endless chain of chaturanga, urdhva muka, adho muka, jump! -- became a truly effortless and joyful expression of my being.  Nothing more and nothing less.  It was a beautiful realization, and it could not have come at a more appropriate time.

That little word -- detach -- has been ringing like a clear bell in my head and heart all week.  It brings me peace.  And it reminds me that my life, just like my practice, can be beautiful and effortless, an expression of my inner light in spite of any shadows cast over the mind.  The title of this post is a sign I saw at a fireworks stand on the highway out of town, huge and handpainted in red.  I laughed well and hard at the truth of it as I drove past.  Sometimes all you want is a little spark, but you get the whole sheBANG!

11 comments:

  1. Am glad you're feeling better. You r right abt attachment to asanas. Why we torture ourselves so is such a mystery!

    Virtual hugs to you!

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  2. Sending happy thoughts your way during this time of transition. ♥

    Detachment...something I'm always working on.

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  3. I'm glad you have found your own place and felt better. Be brave. Please continue writing more about your life and practice. That's what yoga really is right? Discovering oneself. And I believe you're a step closer to getting to know yourself better. Have I told you that you have inspired me to take up teacher training program? I love your blog. XOXO.

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  4. Detachment can't be easy... we're born to be creatures of habit. It both serves us and hinders us at times. I'm glad yoga is serving you well during this transition period. Best wishes to you as you enter this new phase in life! Sending you moral support from cyberspace!

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  5. Thanks for the moral support, friends. It means a lot.

    @Linh - Wow! I'm so happy for you. Good luck with your training!

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  6. Glad you are back and OK. Was missing you and your posts. My heart goes out to you...

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  7. Congrats on taking the step. Wishing you well in your new beginnings. All the best in your transition. Hope for your sake, he kept the cat :)

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  8. I've been reading your blog for a while and I've also really missed reading your posts this past week. I truly look forward to reading about your practice and your discoveries. It's through turbulent times that we really need yoga to keep. I hope that it sees you through.
    Brija

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  9. ...sorry about the incomplete sentence. I think I was going for 'we really need yoga to keep us whole' but decided it was too melodramatic!

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  10. @Marissa - Thank you so much. I'm touched by your sentiment.

    @Domestic - Hahahaha! Your comment made me laugh aloud. He did indeed keep the cat, for which I am very grateful. How did you know? ;)

    @Stableroots - The practice has been hugely instrumental during this transition. Every time I step off of my mat after a practice, the whole world looks a little brighter.

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  11. Yo Megan, I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for your blog, your time, your insights, your pose-of-the-week and your tip for tennis ball massage.

    Thank you for taking the time to post and share your insights in what can only be a challenging time for you.

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