11.29.2011

Raw

That's the word.  Everything is raw and red and open and I just can't trust my senses.  I am compelled to write about it, but the discomfort is so great that I can't tell if I have an overshare problem or a vulnerability problem.  Either way, it doesn't feel right.

Still, here I am, pecking away.  I can't help it.  I am blogger, hear me roar.  Read it and writhe in it with me, but be careful not to catch the itch.  I often wonder if I shouldn't start an anonymous blog for getting this incoherent sludge out of my system safely and quietly, but somehow the idea seems dishonest.  This is what the practice is for, navigation of the mind shit.  The emotional shit.  The family shit and the relationship shit.  I was raised on a strategy of compartmentalization -- separation and obscurification -- but the yoga dissolves the dividers and the whole mess blends together in a petri dish of pain to be dealt with as a virus, growing or dying but never to remain the same.

And then there's the pendulumic swing to pleasure that happens now and then when I manage not only to let it go, but to hurl the toxic bomb with all my might at the nearest passing stranger.  Bullseye.  Take that and run with it, you schmuck!  I'm outta here.

Obviously, there's instability.  But it's about time.  I haven't felt this rattled in years.  It's been difficult to face my practice.  Second series, especially, is scary in this condition.  But this is just the occasional sharp corner on a long and windy road when the sun is down, the night is dim, and the rain has made the pavement slick.  If I can keep my eyes on the road, everything will work out fine.  In the meantime, if you don't mind the way I drive, you're invited along for the ride.

8 comments:

  1. Personally, I love the way you drive! Hit it.

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  2. Oh Megan, I love reading your blog. I love your honesty and courage. Having just spent Thanksgiving with most of my family, I can relate to RAW. I am always amazed at how enduring behavior patterns are. I will always be the "bossy", responsible, resented oldest sister until the day I die. Yoga is teaching me how to just "be" with it and approach/feel my feelings, not bury them. And embrace my family then move on. Rattled is good for the soul if you approach it consciously.
    Keep writing exactly as you are!!!

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  3. Hahaha, "the 'bossy,' responsible, resented older sister..." That's me too! It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it, am I right? ;)

    Your comments always cheer me up, Dottie. Thanks a bunch!

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  4. Mo got it exactly right. And since I know you read my stuff too, let me just say, censorship is overrated. But don't get into the trap of oversharing-as-catharsis, either. There's balance between not saying and saying just for the sheer thrill of having it said.

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  5. I like the way you drive Megan, drive on :-)

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  6. oh dear, thanks for sharing- i am having a hard time with practice too at the moment. Although I should b in a relaxed state, there is so much going on in my mind and a certain restlessness just keeps me from practicing like I would like to. Anyways, I am with u , sending you lots of energy for the next practice!

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  7. Patrick - I get a cheap thrill every time I hit "publish." (Only partly kidding...)

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