7.29.2012

Mid-Year 2012: Auditing Intentions

"Jewels of Intention" by Michael Oravitz
Having summited the mid-year to find both personal and professional transformation taking shape just off the horizon, I am compelled to pause and evaluate my intentions for the year.  To review, the list is as follows:

2012 Intentions

1.  Learn to play
2.  Learn to be vulnerable
3.  Commit to morning practice
4.  Complete a first draft of my novel

Let's begin at the beginning...

1)  Play:  I am learning.  Learning to accept that play is a valuable learning tool in and of itself.  Learning that I do not need to be good at necessarily EVERYTHING.  Learning to release the need to win.  Learning to lose without any sense of loss.  It's progress.

2)  Vulnerability:  This is the hard one.  God, it's so hard.  So much pain is stirred to the surface, so much brutal, heavy fear.  But bless my poor heart, I've been trying.  This blog itself is an exercise in vulnerability -- I consider my writing here to be as honest and complete a representation of myself as I can manage and I have repeatedly surprised myself with what I am able to share in print -- but here's the difference:  however personal the content, I don't have to look my readers in the eye as it is being read.

This relationship is nothing compared to being face to face, revealing all the raw and open wounds and seeing that pain mirrored in a different set of eyes, to see the micro-expressions of pity, anguish, and disappointment flash across another's face.   It is a necessarily painful process if it is to be done in earnest.   But though the risk is high and though this heart is bruised and battle-weary, cracked and gnarled with scars, I am digging out the shrapnel.  God knows it's overdue.

3)  Morning practice:  Whew... okay.  This one is a little easier.  In the first few months of this year, I stuck to a morning practice routine and successfully overcame my aversion, be it at four-thirty, six, or eight AM.  The hardest part is simply coming into Samasthiti.  From there, the whole thing is a breeze.  That being said, I have not been doing morning practice every day.  Some days, yes, when it suits my schedule, but when necessary, afternoon or evening practice is a different sort of treat.  I enjoy both and am grateful to be practicing at any time of day.  This feels good.  This feels healthy.

4)  The novel:  Oh.... the novel.  After breaking at a gallop from the gate, the novel first slowed to a rolling lope, and then a canter, and then an easy trot.  Now it stands at the sidelines, huffing and snorting and whisking at flies.  I think about it often, churn it over in my mind, but have not contributed much in the past few months.  I've been busy, yes, but there is always an excuse.  With school on the horizon, it is unlikely that I'll be adding much length to it in this final stretch of 2012.  However, I am not ready to lead her to the stable yet.  There is hope.  There is time.  There is infinite possibility and inspiration.

All in all, in spite of whatever is or is not achieved, these intentions have done a great deal to shape my year and spur the evolution of my spirit.  I am feeling healthy, bold, and more myself than ever.  In these next few months of 2012, I hope to finish strong.

2 comments:

  1. Just want to let you know that I very much enjoy reading your posts and that I admire your honesty and your willingness to make yourself vulnerable in your writing. I come away with something good for my soul every time.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Nirvair,

      Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to comment. I believe yours is one of the nicest comments I've ever received. I could wish for nothing more in return for my time and efforts.

      Best,
      Megan

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