9.07.2012

Primary Friday: Restoration

Ah, yes...  Here it comes.  Balance.  Integration.  Renewal.

After months of scrambling to stay afloat -- busy days, short nights, and abbreviated practice -- I can feel myself stilling, softening, and the settling into place.  The downpour of late summer muddied the path and the furious winds of change swept me off course.  I slipped and sunk repeatedly into long-discarded coping mechanisms and watched myself, as if from afar, struggle and fumble and fail to uphold my rather stringent standards of self-care as the insistent objections of body, my source of truth, grew louder and louder in my ear.

It is astonishing how quickly and unforgivingly the body will revolt against the idiocy of the mind.  After weeks of eating poorly, smoking casually, and sacrificing practice, I am heavier, tighter, and more resistant to the mat.  But facing this truth -- the actual, physical consequences of my behavior -- has forced me to revisit my intentions.  If I wish to carry on with this practice, I must face these repercussions.  There is no way around them.  I must go through.  I must deal with the mess.  I must get my house in order so that I may move and breathe.

And that is what I plan to do.  I have cleared my space of non-essentials and I am watching carefully the patterns of the mind.  I will not be pulled into the noise, the obfuscation and deception.  I will do my practice in the body I have created for myself.  I will acknowledge the state of the inner environment -- the exhausting heat, invasive darkness, and debris -- and, armed with appropriate provisions (breath, awareness, and compassion), I will head into the jungle brush that has grown up around the fertile fields of my heart and, patiently, persistently, I will hack away.

Practice has been more consistent this week and I am feeling slightly better having regained some precious ground.  Primary is the plan for this afternoon, it will be a nice respite from housework and homework.  I awoke this morning with clear eyes and a feeling of lightness and strength.  Energy levels are high.  I will make quick work of this overgrowth.

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